Sickness... swings?

This month has been like hell to me. Except hell is probably a lot warmer and not as pleasant?

Anyway, I've been getting sick so often, it's actually starting to concern me. I don't think there was a week (This month) that had me going for a full week. I'm always missing at least one class. The doctor doesn't know why I'm always sick but it's probably because I'm always stressed out that I'm getting these crazy migraines and sinus stuff. Then he said that there's probably nothing wrong with me.

Especially after our fellowship's "Fast for Japan night", I've been thinking to myself the question, "Do I depend on God enough?", "Do I only depend on Him when I'm in need?", "Do I even depend on Him?" I'd normally like to say, "Yes, I do depend on Him when I'm in need or not in need." Or, "My eyes are always fixed on God." But I guess after being sick for this long, it's sorta been like, "Do I really have my eyes fixed on God?" Or perhaps more like, "I think I only depend on God when I'm not in need, when I don't need help." Which is totally weird in my opinion 'cause normally, wouldn't someone want someone's help if they're in need of something?

I need to surrender my everything to God. I thought I've already done so, but I thought wrong. Or maybe I did surrender something to God, but that's not enough.

I also need to run the race and endure. I've been struggling with endurance for a while now. But when I need help, shouldn't I been running with my eyes fixed on God? Running towards the great finish line? Knowing that the prize is good that I want to continue the race? Isn't that perseverance? My mentor challenged me to memorize a verse that I've been trying to memorize. To be honest, it was really, really hard. The verse was too long but this verse has always been in my heart and now that I have it memorized, I can easily think of it without whipping out my bible!

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be perfect and complete, not lacking anything." - James 1:2-4

Is there such thing as... too nice?

Today, what I've realized that... maybe I am too nice.
Aside from the frequent "scoldings" I get from my sister for being too nice, I've never really realized it until now...

Lately, I've been really tired. Tired of school, tired of my friends at school, tired of problems at home and tired of being nice. But why do I still persevere through it all and... continue to dread through school, continue to hang out with my friends, whom I have so much trouble loving, strive to help others and their issues, and strive to be nice.

I wonder, am I really being nice? What is nice?

I just want everyone to be happy. Of course, with God as my first priority and no other compromises.

I'm just so tired. I really just want some time for myself.
Lately, I've been thinking, maybe I should drop out of school after this year and come back a year later and finish my high school years then continue onto post-secondary life.
I've been longing for a year to have a "long" me-and-God moment; to see what He wants for me and discover for myself, does being a Christian necessarily mean being overly nice? Sure, we should be meek, but meekness and taking advantage of are two very different subject matters.

Perseverance is all I need right now.

I am a follower of Christ. A trader and not just a missionary.
I need to re-discover what a trader is.