Exodus 20:17

“You shall not covet your neighbor’s house. You shall not covet your neighbor’s wife, or his male or female servant, his ox or donkey, or anything that belongs to your neighbor.”
- Exodus 20:17

It's the end of the year! In Canada, at least. While on the other side of the world, it's already the new year, でしょう？I only know how to write/type in Japanese so, 明けましておめでとう！今年もよろしくお願いします～ Meaning, Happy New Year! Please look after me this year.

Hmm, so why did I start with Exodus 20:17? I guess, looking back, I'm always secretly "covet"ing without realizing it. And it's definitely something that I want to work on. At this moment, I'm somewhat conveting and like, it really sucks :/ I'm listening to one of my favourite singers. She's beautiful, she's awesome at singing, she's young (One year older than me) and she's already signed to a really nice recording label in Japan! On top of all that, she's extremely intelligent, getting 100% on a lot of Science and Math tests!　羨ましい～

I guess what I need to keep in mind is that God made me the way He wants me to. Just because I'm not as pretty as her, as smart, or my voice isn't as powerful as her, it just means that I'm different from her. Then again, two of the same person is the world would make the world a very boring place, eh? Now that I think about it, my voice is just a different "style" compared to her. So I guess it's all right. Besides, who am I pleasing? The world? Myself? Or God?

I'd like to say God.

Change

This is not my typical blog entry, but instead, I'm going to blog about what I've learned today and during the past couple of months.

This year has definitely been a year of change.

Everything that's been happening so far has been so surreal.

Perhaps I was in denial...?

I only noticed all this today, like an hour or two ago.

My cousin left for Hong Kong today. She had plans on immigrating here, but I guess she's not doing so anymore.

To be honest, she was more of my sister than my cousin. She always looked after me, I wore her hand-me-downs, she gave me everything, and of course there's so much more to her than her giving me things. She supported me during the tough times, and laughed with me during the happy times. She gave me reality checks, and she impacted me greatly.

I think I finally understand what she means by, "Life is changing, but you have to accept it."

It's not only till now that I noticed that things change. She's a huge partier, but I think that's one thing I admire about her. She works hard, but she plays hard. She lives a fun life, yet thinks realistically.

I've learned so much from her, and though, all these events still seem so surreal to me, I'm glad that they are like this because of this, I've finally realize what she means by, "Life is changing"

I'm gonna miss her, no doubt, but life changes and we just have to accept it.

Challenges.

Recently, I've struggling a lot with humbleness.

Being humble is not an easy job, I can say.

Haaaaaaai, I've been praying about being humble, that I'll stay humble.

And wow, God has really challenged me. In every conversation, I have to constantly remind myself to stay humble.

"She said that she saw me singing for this musical", "He said I was going to be an awesome cook"

Just really simple comments, yet, I still had to constantly remind myself to stay humble and really mean it and to not have thoughts like, "Why did she get to do this when I'm clearly better than her", or "He's not even that good"

I think Paul has always been a big role model for me. I mean, yes, I am striving to be more like Jesus, but I think I want to have a mind set of Paul, and then Jesus? If that makes any sense. Like, if a modern day Paul existed, I would totally love to have him as my mentor.

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Another thing that I've been struggling so much with is patience. To be honest, I think I have NO patience at all. I am not one bit patient, but I've been working really hard on it.

For example, just 5 minutes ago, my land lord just randomly came down and sprayed bleach all over my floor which pissed the heck out of me. Who randomly comes down and sprays bleach on other people's floor? Plus, I stepped on it with my dark grey ankle socks on which I love and now, they're ruined with bleach stains. Things like this just makes me so mad and makes my patience like... jump out of the window or something. I really does piss the heck out of me though.

I'm still super mad about the socks when I should forgive her. Fortunately, I controlled my anger and I didn't go up to her and yell in her face. Like even right now, her freakishly loud laugh that I can hear from the floor above my pisses me off. Haaaaaai, I'm such an angry person, eh? I've been working on my anger as well. >,<

Questions, questions, questions ?

For my French homework, we had to read a French short story called "L'oeuf de Paques"

We had to complete a comprehension sheet, a normal comprehension homework with context, and interpretation questions. We were also assigned "extra questions" that needed to be finished. And one of the questions stood out to me.

"Est-il possible de grader le meme amour pendant une longue relation (Comme un mariage)?"

Which pretty much means,

"Is it possible to keep the same love during a long relationship (Like a marriage)?"

I've never been in an "actual relationship" before between another person, but I'd like to think that it is possible to keep "the same love" during a long relationship.

What didn't make sense to me was that other people in my class that are in a relationship said that it is impossible to do so. If it is impossible to keep "the same love", the "same level of love", the "same person that you love", then why are they in a relationship? If you already know that it is impossible to keep "the same love", then what is the purpose of them being in a relationship?

I personally think that the purpose of dating and being in a relationship with someone is to get closer to them and hopefully get married and build a family together.

What I don't understand is, what is "keeping" their relationship together? What is the purpose of being in a relationship?

Why are they in a relationship?

Especially when they don't think that it is possible to keep "the same love".

When it comes to this question, will Christians and non-Christians answer differently? Or the same?

How do you spell "Love"?

" L, is for the way you look at me

O, is for the only one I see

V, is very, very extraordinary

E, is even more than anyone adore can "

That's just a song that I think of when it comes to spelling the word "Love".

I'm gonna admit that it's extremely hard to love you neighbours and your enemies.

My dad came to visit me like half an hour ago and I had the hardest time talking to him.

I had the hardest time trying to love him. In the end, he questioned whether I love him or not, and I couldn't answer him.

Not only him, but some people at school too. I'm just having such a hard time loving them.

What does the bible say about this? I will go see for myself.

She's back

She has her arms around me, they're on my neck.
She's suffocating me, yet why am I still alive?
Her face in front of mine, there her spit lies
Her eyes taunt me, her lips of poison

I can't move, why is that?
Am I cast under her spell?
"Lord, save me from her!" This I cry.
I am weak, and I do not know what to do.

My actions and thoughts, she does not permit
My tears that fall brings her joy
But for me?
Frustration knocks on my door.

She is there, waiting for me.
Lord, I'm scared.
Save me, guide me, lead me, be with me.
She is nothing to you, yet she's destroying me.

Her name is Fear.

Here I am, again. I'm just so scared to go to school.
This past week was not a very hot high school experience for me.
Though, I was gone for most of the week 'cause of a music retreat, she, came back.
I don't understand, am I the only one in the world that goes through this?

It's so frustrating! They won't let me talk. They won't let me stand up for what I believe in, let alone in what is right.

That's right, 'cause this world thinks that making fun of Christians is some sort of game.

It's fun to see me cry, it's fun to not let me say my part.

It's fun to spit at my face, call me whatever, and put His name to shame.

They don't know Him, yet why is this happening?

I'm so scared of seeing them. I'm scared of talking to them.

But why do I keep on fighting back? Is this right? Is this just? Will this show them who God is?

I know I can't do much, 'cause they won't let me speak.

But, will they see God through me? I really hope they do.

I'm scared, too scared to go to school.

Though, that is where my battlefield is, and I will not give up.

I just want to stay at home and cry and pray for these people.

'Cause God will hear my prayers.

He surely will.

Fake Pain?

It's late... like really late, but I guess, I wanted to put in a new blog entry before I leave for my music retreat.

Believe or not but... I really don't want to go to this retreat.

It's just that, it's not that fun, and I guess... I had a bad experience from it?

Like last year, I got a stomach flu. But this trip is mandatory... so, that's uncool. Sad face?

But through this trip, perhaps I'll be able to get something out of it? I know I will, even if it's not music related.

This sorta reminded me of my spiritual walk... I guess, I had "bad experiences". Things weren't going the way I wanted them to be, I was just so lost in life, life sucked, etc. But I know that through this "pain", it can benefit me... what am I talking about? I know nothing about pain. If I call this pain, then what's the pain that God experiences everyday 'cause of our sins?

I know this is a bit weird, but that totally reminded me of one of the Naruto episodes I watched.

"What do you know about pain? You surely don't understand the pain that I've experienced." - (Pain/Nagato from Naruto Shippuden)

Or something along the lines of that. And like... that line.. it reminded me of God, and maybe it's 'cause of the video I watched today with NHGz, but like honestly. What do I know about pain? I surely don't understand the pain that God experienced.

I'm weak, I know. No matter how much I want to depend on myself, I always find myself leaning on God's shoulders, depending on Him. This just shows how weak I am, how much I have to depend on God, and how powerful He is.

How many litres of tears?

おかしい (Okashii)
Strange, weird.

For the past few weeks, I don't really know what to call this feeling.
It's weird, my eyes get foggy so easily. My face has been drenched in a lot of salt solution.
What's up with that?
How many litres of tears have I cried?

Why am I crying for people I don't even know?
Why am I so in love with a group of people that I don't know?

My heart aches when I hear that they don't know You, God.
That they despise you. What's up with that?
These people hardly know about you, yet they hate You?
These people, they're so lost.

Send me out Lord!
I don't even care if the future that I've always longed for is snatched away from me.
If this is what You want, I will do.
Give me a willing heart, oh Lord.
Let me shine Your light in this world full of darkness.

♪Here I am Lord, is it I Lord?
I have heard You calling in the night.
I will go Lord, if You lead me.
I will hold Your people in my heart.

Lord, I know that I'm not any better.
Perhaps, I'm like Paul, worst of them all.
But, I can't help but to feel the need to bring these people closer to You.
Like Paul, I feel the need to tell others about God's love.
I just... can't help but to feel this way.

How can I?

Why does it seem like the words that are pouring out of my heart, the burdens I'm feeling, when I look back, why does it seem fake?

Lord, I know that these feeling are real. They're genuine. Yet, why do I keep thinking that they're not. I need help, and I know it. There are so many people that are here to support me. So many shoulders to cry. How many is enough? I only need one shoulder! And that's Your's.

God, I feel so discouraged about everything. What am I doing wrong? Am I doing something wrong? I don't know...

But Lord, I'm thankful that you still love me, comfort me, that you still forgave me. I'm thankful for my brothers and sisters in Christ. I thank You for giving me such lovely people. I thank You for the support they give to me. The love that they give. I'm so undeserving of it all, yet You, the gracious one, still gave.

I've been lost for too long. Lost in my observations, and in the end, I judge myself. I'm unable to understand things. Lord, You're not like that. You work through us even when we don't know it. God, I'm so sorry for the way I've been. For being so observant, for feeling so discouraged.

I'm sorry.

;

Lord, it's just so hard to please everyone and to make everyone happy.
But you should be the only one that I please.
You're the only one that I should praise, the only one that I should love.

There's this big wall that I'm trying to build between myself and the world.
It's so hard to contain my feelings in a jar yet so easy for me to only leave myself with feelings of awe towards you, Lord.
And it's even harder when the world wants me to do this and that. To obtain the perfect career, job, occupation.
Lord, none of these I want, for I know You will create the perfect future for me.
Though I may struggle to complete my careers homework, I know that you have it all planned out for me, and I will not complain when you place it into my life.

But Lord, show me which path to walk, which path that would lead me to glorify You only, the path in which others can see Your light in me. The path that sets me apart from this world. And Lord, I know only You are capable of doing this. Though this is the life You've given me, even I can't do it, but You can, for You are almighty, for You are so powerful. You who conquered death. You are my Lord, and I will forever be your's.

I thank you for the many friends I have. The many friends that kept me laughing, crying, thinking, and accountable. I thank you for what You've provided for my family, for my friends, for this community 'cause Lord, You are a God that provides.

Fear

Lord, I feel like I'm all alone. The only light in my school.
I'm scared, scared of being judged. Scared of losing those dear to my heart. Scared to see those fall away from you, those who reject you.

Yet you've said,

"If anyone comes to me and does not hate his father and mother, his wife and children, his brothers and sisters - yes, even his own life - he cannot be my disciple." - Luke 14:26 (NIV)

How can I call myself your disciple if I love them more than you? Though Lord, you have called me to love those that are dear to me yet hate me, those who will judge me, hurt me, persecute me, I know you are with me.

"The LORD is with me; I will not be afraid. What can man do to me?" - Psalm 118:6 (NIV)

They are far less stronger than you. What can man do to me?